I still have bad days..and it's ok!

Can't believe it's been 2 years since I've blogged. I'm not even sure I know how, but I will get the hang of it I think. Things are going pretty good. We've moved twice since my last blog lol. Love where we are now. Mark and I are doing great and the kids seem to be adjusting well. I wanted to get back to this because I'm not working anymore and I've had a lot more time to think. If you know me or have read my other posts, then you know about my situation. Lately, I've been finding myself thinking a lot about James. I mean, of course I always think about him and have off days but I usually just hold everything in. I don't want to do that anymore. I could go back to Mental Health and talk to someone...but that'll just cost me money. So I've decided to go back to doing this instead. :) There's times when I'll have a random memory pop in my head or look at old pictures of him and the pain just comes back to me. When it happens, part of me just wants to reach for the phone and call someone or post about it on Facebook but then I stop myself. I know I could call my mom, or grandma, or sisters but I don't want to burden anyone and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My friends are amazing and I don't know what I would do without them but I didn't meet them until a little while after James died. They didn't know him, they didn't know us as a couple, they didn't know who I was or how I felt. So I feel strange sometimes talking to them about it. I'm sure they don't know what to do or say, and I don't want them to feel bad. As far as Facebook goes, nobody on there cares about this right? I always thought Facebook was a place where you could express yourself, and no matter what you were feeling that day or in that particular moment, you could just put it and it be ok. I see differently now. Too many posts are being judged by other people. I personally feel like if you are having a bad day, and want to vent..then go ahead! If you are feeling sad, and want to post a song or a lyric or whatever it may be...then GO AHEAD! Facebook asks us "how are you feeling?" Or, "what's on your mind?" Yet, if you do actually put how you are feeling, or what's on your mind, then you are just being dramatic or "crying out for attention." As long as you're not being hateful to someone in your posts, I say put whatever you like. I also feel like if I did put something up, people would be confused and not really understand how I could be in a new relationship now and be happy, but still have sad days over James. Should I care what other people think? Probably not, but I do. I'm trying to remind myself though that yes, I still have bad days and it's ok!! I was with James for 7 1/2 years before he died and we had 2 kids together. I shouldn't feel guilty for my heart still hurting. Mark has always been so supportive through all of this but I find myself hiding my feelings from him too now. Maybe to protect him? I think I'm more aware of his feelings now and how he might feel and I know this can't be easy for him. I try so hard to be strong especially for Aiden and Payton but sometimes I just need my time to let it out. It's just not fair. If he were still alive and we were able to work things out and still be together, then tomorrow we would have been together 11 years and on the 15th, would have been married for 5 years. It's crazy. I've changed so much since he knew me last and I wonder what he'd be like now. To this day, it still doesn't feel real sometimes. It's hard to wrap my mind around it and understand. He sure is missed though, that's for sure. I could really go on and on but kind of just want to stop for now. I'm sure they'll be more venting another day.