If you don't know...now you know (Part 2)

In this blog, I'm going to hopefully clear some things up. I wasn't always honest about things in the past but I'm ready to talk about exactly what happened and what's going on now. When the bars closed that morning we went to one of my co-workers' friends house to continue "the party". Yes, that co-worker I'm talking about is Mark. Many people assume that Mark and I had something going on before James died...that's not true. We became good friends while we worked together but that was it. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say there wasn't a little bit of an attraction but I wasn't going to cheat on James and Mark was respectful and never once hit on me like most of the other guys. Anyway, when we went to Mark's friends house, all was well at first. It was just me, James, Mark and two of his friends. James got even more drunk and suddenly out of nowhere, started a fight with one of Mark's friends. James would do that a lot while he drank so I was just like, "oh no." We tried to calm him down and I stepped in to try to stop it and got pushed down. That's when I got angry and told him to just leave. I feel bad because I think James was hurt thinking that I was taking sides. I really wasn't though, I had just been through this before and the other person hadn't done anything and was just being attacked. In my head, I was just done. I remember thinking that the next day I was going to tell him that it was over, but the next day never came for him. I remember before he left, I told him to wait so I could get my phone out of the car...but couldn't find it. That is why nobody could get a hold of me. I hate that he died close to 7a.m but I didn't find out until around 11. The days following James' death were kind of a blur. I was numb and it didn't feel real and my grieving hadn't really hit me just yet. I felt like I was making clear headed choices but looking back, I wasn't. It's hard to explain. Not very long after the death I got involved with Mark. I know now that it was too soon and that is why I would hide it but that just made things worse. Now I'm sure people think that Mark is a bad guy who came in on the prowl and took advantage of poor little vulnerable me. Lol...that's not how it was at all. It's hard to explain but the friendship just became something more and we couldn't deny what we both were feeling. We didn't want to feel  that so soon but it was just there and because we got involved so soon after, it looked to everyone like we had something going on before. I want that rumor to stop right now because it's not true. I know, I sound like a terrible person but no one should judge me unless you were in my EXACT situation. When the numbness started to go away and the realness of James' death started to set in is when things got real bad for me. I didn't know where to turn, I was in such a bad place. I started seeing a counselor at Mental Health and that helped a little bit but nothing anyone could do or say took that pain away. I wouldn't wish that on ANYONE. I put Mark through hell and I mean hell but he stuck around and listened to me cry and did everything he could possibly think of to help me out. He would clean my house and spend time with my kids when I didn't feel like getting out of bed. Mark was young and didn't need all this baggage, any other guy would have ran away so fast, but not him. He was there for us and wasn't going to leave our side even with all the hate and threats he would get from people. Things would have turned out a lot different if it weren't for Mark. My kids love him and he loves them. In no way is he trying to take the place of James, no one could do that. In fact, Mark lost his dad when he was about 9 and so he could relate in some way with Aiden and Payton. I do believe that God sends certain people our way for a reason. Yet, I still felt ashamed and wouldn't admit things to anyone..even myself. Then, I became pregnant with Kynlee. I can't even tell you how hard that was. I was going through so much emotion and honestly didn't know if I wanted her at first. I was too afraid of what people would think. It was a long tough battle but after talking with some supportive family and friends, I realized I could do this...and I did. She is such a blessing and has brought so much joy to our lives after such tragedy. She has made it easier to feel okay about things  and kind of share my happiness and not hide it. I really loved James and ALWAYS will. If there was anything that I could do to bring him back I would in an instant! I still think about him everyday and there are still times I just break down and cry in thought. We may not have had the healthiest relationship but we did love each other. People would tell me that it gets easier with time and I didn't believe it but it's true. The pain never goes away but you kind of learn to live with it. I know that there will still be people out there that think I'm this terrible person and that used to bother me but I'm allowed to be happy. No one will ever know what I went through and so they have no right to judge. All I ask is that you are straight up with me, no fakeness. I also want to share the awareness of drinking and driving. Maybe I'll start a group or something, I don't know. Well, there is so much more I could say but this is long enough I think. Til next time!